just to start off

Ok, so I realize that a lot of people will expect this to be grammatically correct and all that fun, however, sorry I am just thinking out loud here and sharing this with whoever might read. Most things that will be put out here will be, for the most part, corrected to the best of my ability. As of right now my husband is deployed and i have two young children, I love them but sometimes they are extremely needy haha.

This new year coming up I am really determined to get the health of my family to where it needs to be. I suffer from a lot of pain so much so that i have been called a hypochondriac, trust me it hurts to no end to be called that especially by some who have called me such. It is also one of the main reasons I put off going to a doctor about it due to the fact I do not want to go to the doctor, with all the preparations I would have to make with the children, just to be told they can not find anything which will probably further feed people and their thoughts of me. Yes, I know with modern medical findings I am sure that it would be figured out. I also do not want any more surgeries then necessary,  already had 2 c- sections. It would be my luck that with some of my issues, such as my back, that a doctor would probably want to either medicate or operate both of which I do not want.

With my first child we decided to try and have her early so my husband would be able to be there for the birth since he was due to deploy at the time. She started having complications so that ended with a c-section. I personally would not recommend having a c-section or being induced unless medically necessarily or, I guess, in the situation of the other not being able to be there for something like that it is not healthy for either baby nor mom. I love both of my children, but I would have loved to be able to have them naturally. I know that it is what was meant to be so I accept it and do not have issues with not being able to do that. I will have no more children, least not planned shall I say we all know that accidents do happen. I love children so much but with the two that we did get blessed with, their father has not been able to be there for the whole firsts of that first year and it is hard on both of us.

I would not trade this life for anything. As much as it sucks to be separated like we are for a year or so stretch it is hard but I love and respect my husband for all that he does and would support him in anything he chooses to do. I am not the happiest ever here I like it here ok when he is here with me, however, when he is gone I hate it so much. I would love to be able to go to Ft. Hood and be closer to some family at least all this would be a little easier. The children would be able to have time with the family and not just me every day. I don't ask for much in life just that everyone is happy, that isn't too much is it? Yes, I know it is near impossible for EVERYONE to be happy, but that would be a perfect life.

My husband and I never really had a wedding. It was a quick ride to the court house while we were about 4 days out from having our daughter, he was stationed in Germany so that made it difficult to take care of everything, and a couple of family there and that was it. This was my second marriage, as sad as I am to say, and it was his first so it would have been nice to have the all out nice wedding. It just has not been in the cards for us to have anything all out. We currently have two cars neither of which are too reliable so that makes things fun for me to always be worried something is going to go wrong while I am out with my children, NOT FUN! I already have issues with anxiety and this does not help it one bit. Recently i had to get my daughter a new car seat as she was getting to where she did not like the 5 point harness anymore, and yes I do know that it is safer. However, how safe is it when you have a child saying she does not want to be buckled in? Either way that was taken care of and she is still in an appropriate seat so that is all that really matters and so far she is a lot happier. My son is still in the age of whatever you do is what is going on, 4 month old babies are just easy like that. As long as he is comfy and able to fall asleep that is all he cares about really.

As far as the two children go, they are an awesome blessing. Even when I am stressed and just wanting to sleep they can always make me smile. Who can't honestly say that children do not brighten their day? My son is becoming vocal and it is funny because he wants you to smile and laugh about it. My daughter just loves him she says that is her baby. That is by far the best thing since I was a bit nervous of her being a bit jealous. She informed me a while back that we needed more babies because she needs more babies to love, as sweet as that was it just is not happening.

As far as the cars go a pt cruiser just does not cut it with two young children with needing a stroller at times and just everything that goes with it just no room. Top it off with we have issues with it all the time and never know what it will be next right now there is about a handful of issues. His dodge stratus is more roomy and everything, however, it is so old and needing some tlc that we just can not afford at the moment so that takes off from the roomy part. I would really love to be able to trade my car in and get a chevy equinox. They are just so nice and seem roomy, I have not looked at them other then online, and seem to be awesome on gas compared to what my car gets right now.

Now back on to the getting healthy and all that fun. I have been looking into things to be able to help with getting healthy for myself and the kids, and if the hubby is willing then him too otherwise well idk. I have been researching food grade Diatomaceous Earth and all its functions and whatnot. This, at least from what I have found, seems to be a super amazing and like a miracle kind of thing. Makes you wonder why it is not out there more often however if you are interested in learning more: http://www.morethanalive.com/Diatomaceous-Earth-Food-Grade-Powder  and also I have found:
http://www.blogger.com/profile/08985375221228256928 she gives a pretty covered blog on taking it and it seems to at least help with some of the stuff. It might be one of those each person is different so each person might experience something differently. I plan on getting some here soon and start taking it and see if I can get the 4 year old to start as well. She really needs help with getting her immune back up after a 6 month stay at an apartment that we found out had black mold growing in her air vent, which is why we left there. We were so stressed with that and I was beginning to hurt even more living there after a while and my daughter got to where she would not sleep more then maybe a hour at a time in there once we found that we realized why so she was moved into the room with us. Yes, that created it's own issues, but we had to do what we could to help her out. We now live in a house that is not too bad just in my opinion too small and having only one air vent for the living room, dining room, and kitchen as small as they may be is not enough.

It is funny because I am one that gets kind of bored with things and always looking for what would be better so i tend to change the house around as much as possible. My husband was once told that if a woman changes things a lot she is not happy, well I guess I have NEVER been happy because even as a child I would change things around. Sad to say i am regularly asked if I am happy because I want to move something else. Trying to get it through to him that this set up in here just doesn't make me happy and it is not a matter of not being happy in life. I must say with all that has been a part of my life i blocked out a lot of it and so it doesn't really bother me. Yes, there are still somethings that do get to me because of my past, but then again some of it just has to do with things that happen in this day and age. I made comment about wishing I had curly hair and got questioned about my happiness again, I have always wanted curly hair I personally think i look good with curly hair. One day I will have a perm in my hair just trying to get to where I can and also trust someone with my hair because while i wear it up all the time i love my hair and do not want it messed up. The main reason i wear it up is because it is so boring in my opinion one color and flat to me is lame. I want to change that and find the confidence to feel like the beautiful woman i know i am.

Yes, I am all over the place, but just to think this is how my mind normally works. One of the main reasons why i never thought about writing a blog to begin with. Back to the whole pains and back issue now. Since i was in like the 5th grade is as far back as I remember complaining about wrist pains. At that time it was pretty much the only issue and only the one wrist. It later turned into both hands and shoulder and so on. The back pain was never much just if I overdid something but i took a nice fall down about half a flight of marble stairs, needless to say it took about a year for me to have it looked at and when they did the x-ray nothing showed up, takes me back to the whole doctors won't find anything issue. That made me feel even more like maybe it is all in my head so I in turn did my best to ignore all my pains and try to mask it, sad to say it did not work. Obviously it did not work because I do not suffer from anything like that to make me feel as if i have everything in the book and then some wrong with me. I just have a lot of issues and I hate it. I feel like a horrible mother at times because i do not have the energy to keep up or i am hurting so much. Which is one of the things that turned me to the DE it just seems like if it could help with just a little bit i would feel a lot better and be able to keep up and have happier babies because I can get out and play more often. And, also in turn can have more friends probably and keep the ones I do have. I felt horrible last night when my neighbor made comment about how I don't hang out with them anymore. Sad to say that we literally live next door to each other.That is another thing I want to change. Along with getting my weight to where it needs to be so my husband can finally see just what he married. When we met i was not the weight I wanted to be and was not too happy in life, thankfully with all that has changed in life i am so much happier. Well anyway this is the end of my first blog i might need to rethink letting my mind go like this next time but I have been a bit lonely so yea sorry guys!!